


Dear Diary

by twdsunshine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-24 13:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 14,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17705066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsunshine/pseuds/twdsunshine
Summary: A series of short journal-style one-shots written from the perspective of different characters, following the chronology of the show, revealing their innermost thoughts and struggles.





	1. Shane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 1, prior to Rick’s appearance at the quarry camp.

Rick’s dead.  That’s what I have to keep tellin’ myself.  He sure was as good as, last time I saw him, but… Dammit, I can’t get that image out of my head.  Everytime I close my eyes, I can see him, lyin’ there in that hospital bed, gown all rucked up ‘round them knobbly knees, tubes goin’ in and out o’ everywhere.  I thought about movin’ him but, I swear to God, it probably would’a killed him faster if I had.  I mean, I know a thing or two, but I ain’t a doctor.  I can patch up a bullet wound good enough to keep someone’s heart beatin’ ‘til we can get ‘em some real help, but I don’t know shit about all that complicated electronic stuff they had keepin’ him alive.  So, I ran.  I dragged a gurney across his door, I turned tail and I ran outta there like a scared little boy, because that’s exactly what I was.  I mean, shit, they were shootin’ people in the fuckin’ hallways.  The world had gone to hell and I… I made my decision and now I’m stuck livin’ with it.

Not that it’s all hard though, right?  I mean…  Lori, man, she’s…  Wow, I mean, she’s one hell of a woman, y’know?  First time she dragged me outta camp, told me she needed me, I thought she was gonna get me to take down some dead one for her, or, I don’t know, shoot a bear or somethin’.  I had no idea she was gonna…  Not that I stopped her though, if you know what I mean.  I’d have been half-blind or crazy to have told her no.  Besides, she needed me and I was happy to go along for the ride, and what a wild one it’s been, man.  She’s a firecracker, can’t get enough, and it ain’t like there’s a whole lot else to do for fun 'round here.  Every so often, when she’s under me, all over me, and I can smell her, like, on my clothes, on my skin, I have this moment of clarity:  Shit, this is Rick’s wife.  You’re fuckin’ your partner’s wife!  And I know she feels it, 'cause I’m sure as hell it’s written all over my damn face, but then she does that thing with her nails and I’m under her spell all over again.

Besides, ain’t like he ever did nothin’ but complain about her anyway, right?  Damn fool didn’t know what he had when he had it.  All they did was fight.  Probably would'a ended up gettin’ a divorce if… Well, if he didn’t die.  Because he did.  Die, I mean.  He ain’t ever comin’ back.

The boy, that’s what it’s all about now.  Keepin’ the kid safe, Rick’s son.  We’re alright for now, holed up by the quarry.  Got water, food when that asshole Dixon manages to pull his finger out and go hunt.  Won’t last forever though.  S'only a matter of time 'fore all them bodies in the city start spreadin’ out.  Ain’t nothin’ there for 'em no more, not after the government burnt the place to the fuckin’ ground.  They’ll start driftin’ back this way and then we’ll have to move, hit the road, try for Fort Bennin’.  Last I heard, the military were holdin’ strong up there.  S'where we’re gonna find answers, protection.  That’s how I keep Rick’s family alive.


	2. Andrea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set between Seasons 1 & 2, shortly after escaping the CDC.

He’s watching me.  I can feel his eyes on me now, searching for a sign of weakness, the slightest hint that I might be softening towards him, ready to forgive and forget.  But I’m not.  I don’t think I ever will be.  

The CDC might not have been able to give us all the answers but it gave me exactly what I needed: a way out.  An exit without pain and suffering and the possibility that I might end up some mindless corpse, roaming the highway.  I don’t wanna go out like that, like Amy did, bloody and brutal.  I mean, that monster… it tore her throat out and she drowned on her own blood before I could even… And then she became one of them, one of those things, and I had to put her down.  I don’t wanna die that way.  That guy, Jenner, he said that when the CDC shut down, the explosion would set the air on fire.  It would have been quick and painless and it would have been over, and I’d found my peace with it, even as the others were fighting to break the damn door down.  I was ready to go.

And then Dale, foolish old man, he had to try and save me.  He thought he knew better, thought I still had something to live for, even with Amy gone and he was wrong.  I mean, for all I know, my parents are dead.  If I’m honest with myself, I know they are.  Almost everyone is.  I have no one left.  Nothing.  And it gets harder to wake up every morning and keep going once you’ve accepted that.

He refused to leave my side.  He told me if I was gonna die down there then so was he, and I couldn’t do it.  Just like he knew I wouldn’t be able to.  I might have been ready to go but I wasn’t going to go out a murderer and that’s what he would have made me.  He didn’t want to die.  He was just being stubborn and selfish, and now I’m stuck here in this world, with this group where I don’t belong, and I know that when I go, it’s gonna hurt.  He did that to me.

No, I won’t forgive him.  I can’t move past this.  He took away my choice, my chance to go out with a bang, and he can stare at me all he likes, but he can’t fix this.  He can’t make it better.

We’re on the road again now.  I don’t even know where we’re headed.  The others, they talk, but it’s all just background noise these days.  I stopped listening when the CDC went up without me in it, and I don’t intend to start again anytime soon.  What does it matter where we’re going or where we end up?  It’s all just delaying the inevitable really.  We’re all gonna die out here.  Just like Amy.


	3. Carol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 2, Episode 7, ‘Pretty Much Dead Already’, prior to Shane releasing the walkers from the barn.

They think I’m crazy.  I can see it in their eyes, the way they’re looking at me.  They think I’ve lost my mind because I’m not tearing the forest apart looking for my daughter.  But they don’t know what I know.  Sophia… She’s dead.  And I think she has been for a long time now.  She was only a child, so little and afraid.  There’s no way she could have survived out there on her own.  For God’s sake, I barely could if I was in her position and she didn’t have a knife or a gun or…  Of course, she’s dead.

It took me some time to come to terms with it.  I’m not a monster.  She was my little girl.  But it’s hard to grieve for someone when, in a weird way, you feel a sense of relief that they’re gone.  Is that awful of me?  That I’m glad that she won’t have to face all of the horrors that I know will come for us in this world?  But really, what sort of life would she have had?  Her and Lori’s boy, they’ve already been through more than any child should have: hunger, terror, loss.  And it’s not getting any better.  I mean, just look at Carl now.  He was laid up in that bed for weeks with a gunshot wound to the belly, being operated on by a veterinarian no less, and Lori’s been beside herself with worry.  Rick, too.  I know she thought the same thing that’s been going through my head since my last little bit of hope petered out.  Would it really have been the worse thing if her boy just didn’t wake up?  If he found his peace?

It’s a terrible thing to go through a parent’s mind, but these times are far from normal.  Just a few short months ago, I was back at home, loading another bundle of laundry into my Maytag while Ed drunk himself silly and Sophia played with her dolls.  Now, I’m surrounded by strangers, really, camped out on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and my husband and daughter are both gone.  And I might actually be happy about it.  I guess, living like this changes people.  I guess, it’s too early to tell what exactly it changes them in to.

Daryl won’t give up, I know he won’t.  He’d been out looking every day since we got here, ‘til he nearly got himself killed doing it.  Horse threw him and he ended up taking one of his own arrows to the gut.  But he was still wanting to get out there again, as soon as he could walk.  I know he’s frustrated that the others are talking about moving on, but I think he’s starting to feel it too, not that he’ll ever admit it.  It’s a lost cause.  She won’t be found.  I don’t even know why it matters so much to him.  He’s never been one to give too much of himself to people, always on the outskirts of the group.  Standoffish, that’s the word.  Sometimes even hostile.  But it’s him that’s gone above and beyond for my little girl, more than her own daddy ever did for her, and I owe him for that.

The time will come for us to hit the road again, move on.  People are getting restless and, soon as Daryl and Carl are fully recovered, they’ll start packing up, making plans.  And I know I should fight it, scream and shout and kick up merry hell about the fact that they’re leaving when Sophia is still out there somewhere, but I won’t.  I can’t.  Because I feel it in my bones.  I already know.


	4. Hershel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 2, Episode 8, ‘Nebraska’.

There’s not a thing about any of this that I’m comfortable with.  These people, they’re staying on my land, and they… That Shane, he… I can’t even bring myself to say it.  There was a massacre here today, my family, my friends, my neighbours, shot down in cold blood.  I don’t care what any of them say, what they think they know, those people were sick.  One day, someone’ll find a cure, an injection or something like it, and those people could’ve been saved.  But not now.  Now they’re just bodies in the dirt.  More graves to go alongside Otis’.  

I know what they must think when they look at me - just a stupid old man with his head in the clouds.  But I have to believe it.  Because otherwise, what’s the point of all this?  I mean, is it what everybody’s saying?  Is this the rapture?  The end of times?  No.  I can’t believe that God, my God, would choose to take good, righteous people like that.  And all the while I’m still here.  I’m no saint, I know that, and if the Lord could forgive me then why not the thousands of others that have been smited by this plague?

I’ve a good mind to ask ‘em to leave, all of ‘em.  That baby ain’t my problem.  I have enough on my hands trying to keep my own family safe.  But the girls won’t like it, I know that.  Maggie… she’s been sneaking away with the Asian boy.  She thinks I don’t know but I’ve been her daddy long enough to be able to tell when she’s hiding things from me.  He seems like a good kid, but who can really tell these days?  Thought Rick seemed like a decent man, and he still might be, but he needs to keep that partner of his under control.  Bad enough that he insists on carrying a damn gun on my property against my wishes but to do what he did, and in front of children…  I can’t allow it.  

Honestly, it’s my little Bethie I worry for the most.  She’s not like her sister, and most days I thank God for that.  Two like Maggie and they’d have run rings around me together, I’m sure of it.  But Maggie was always so worldly, older than her years, always pushing the boundaries we set for her, wanting to go out and experience everything life had to offer.  Beth, she’s more sheltered.  She isn’t prepared to live in a world like this one, and I know it’s either gonna break her or make her hard, and I don’t think I can stand to see either one.  I wish I could keep them safe from it all, but it’s only a matter of time before it starts impinging on our lives.  I can see that now.  

You know, I haven’t had a drink in… Gosh, I don’t even know how many years, but I need one tonight.  No one’ll judge me harder than I do myself, but these are extraordinary times and I can’t just sit back and watch things fall apart.  I need to get out, just for a little while, raise a glass to those people in the barn that we lost.  I’ll deal with Rick and his group later.  I just need a minute to think.


	5. Lori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set between Seasons 2 & 3, after the fall of the farm.

I’m tired.  I’m tired right down to my bones and I can’t see an end to this.  Losing the farm, losing Shane the way we did…  Since it happened I’ve felt like I can’t breathe, like I’m carrying a weight of responsibility on my shoulders, and I don’t think I can manage it for much longer.  I know what I said to Rick, that this baby is his child, no matter whose DNA it carries, but I know it’s Shane’s.  I can feel it.  And I hate myself for letting this happen.  

I can’t help but wonder if, if things hadn’t gone down the way they did, if I hadn’t turned to Shane when I thought Rick was…  Maybe Shane wouldn’t have lost his mind.  Maybe he wouldn’t have led Rick into the woods.  Maybe my son wouldn’t have had to put him down and maybe, just maybe, we’d have been better prepared when the herd found us.  Maybe we could’ve saved more people, maybe even managed to save our home.  Instead we’re out here on the road again and I’m round and I’m heavy and I’m slow and I don’t think I can go on like this for much longer.

And God, I’m hungry.  When I was pregnant with Carl, Rick used to stop by the diner on his way home on his late shift and bring me back bacon cheeseburgers and milkshake.  I used to eat like a horse and Carl was born big and strong and healthy.  But this time…  This time I’m living on a half can of beans a day, a can I have to share with my boy, and I so badly want to tell him to eat it all, not to worry about me, because I can see how hungry he is written all over his face, but I can’t.  Because this little life inside of me, she needs it too.  And I’m scared that I’m already failing her - because I know it’s a girl, I do.  I can feel it - and that she’s gonna be born weak and sick and malnourished, and her life’s only gonna get harder from that point.

I just wish we could rest, just for a little while.  I wish I could sleep in a bed, I wish I could have a conversation with my husband that doesn’t end in one of us losing our temper and snapping, and I wish I could tell my son that everything will be okay and, for once, actually mean it.  And I wish I could picture my baby growing up to live a full and happy life, but I just can’t.  I can’t get there in my head.  

It would be different if we had a place.  A home.  Rick believes it’s out there.  Somewhere with fences, where we can be safe, where we can start to build a life again, but I’m pretty sure he’s just clutching at straws at this point.  But if we did…  It wouldn’t be like our old life, that’s for sure, but it would be something.  It would be a place where I can raise my child to be the sort of person that can cope with whatever this world throws at her.  Carl… he has his memories to fall back on.  He remembers birthdays and softball games and backyard barbecues and pancake Sundays.  But my daughter, she won’t have any of that.  I just want to be able to give her a good childhood.  I don’t want her to only know pain.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 3, between Episodes 7 & 8, when the Governor has Glenn and Maggie.

Bad things keep happening.  Daddy said it would be different now that we’re behind fences, that we could build lives here at the prison, but I don’t think I believe him anymore.  I don’t know how he does it, keeps smiling, even after what happened to him.  We nearly lost him when he got bit, but he keeps on going, pretending like everything’s gonna be okay.  He won’t admit he was wrong, never has.

And then we lost Lori, and this little baby in my arms… She’s gonna grow up without a mother.  And her father, well, he pretty much checked out, talking to shadows, all covered in blood.  It’s like one of those horror movies Maggie used to sit up and watch when she thought we were all sleeping.  I remember asking Lori, when I found out that she was pregnant, how she could do it, whether she thought it’d make a difference.  But I’m not my daddy and I’m not ashamed to admit I was wrong.  She has made a difference, this little one, right here.  It’s just a shame that her mom won’t be here to see it.

Maggie’s gone.  Her and Glenn, they went off on that supply run and they never came home, and then that lady turned up and said they’d been taken, and everyone’s gone charging off to get them back.  Except they’re probably too late already.  Because bad things keep happening and it doesn’t matter how much I pray, God keeps on letting them.

But this baby, she’s made a difference.  Because now I have a job to do.  I could freak out, cry, panic about the fact that I’m losing my family, one by one, and it’s just a matter of time before I die bloody too, but I can’t.  I have to feed her again in an hour.  Then she’ll need a diaper change not long after that.  Someone’s gotta sing to her and put her down to sleep and go to her when she cries.  It’s my job.  So I just keep on keeping on.

I’m not trying to…  I mean, it is better here.  The fences keep the walkers out, mostly, and we have supplies - enough food to tide us over for the time being.  Daryl goes out hunting and brings back something fresh every few days.  I don’t think it sits well with him, being caged in like this, but that part doesn’t really bother me.  I’d rather be in here than out there.  It’s just the waiting.  Waiting to see who’ll be the next to go, waiting for my turn.


	7. Merle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 3, Episode 10, ‘Home’.

Well, I’ll be damned.  If you’d asked me a week ago where I thought I’d be today, this wouldn’t have even been top five on my list, and yet here I am, roamin’ the woods with my baby brother.  Hell, I wouldn’t have even put money on li’l Darlena bein’ alive with the world all gone to shit like it is, but then there he was, guns a blazin’, shootin’ up my hometown like we were the enemy.  And wouldn’ you know it, the Governor goes ‘n’ tars us both with the same damn brush ‘n’ suddenly I’m on the outs ‘n’ Caesar’s flavour of the month.

Ain’t like it mattered none to me.  Wasn’ like I was gonna stick around anyway once I had my family back.  See, it don’t matter that I had a roof over my head, beer in my belly ‘n’ an arsenal at my disposal back at Woodbury.  Nothin’, ‘n’ I mean nothin’, comes before blood.  Not when you’re a Dixon.  Me ‘n’ my bro, we’ve had our ups ‘n’ downs, sure, but ain’t like either of us was gonna let the other walk away once we found each other again.

I’ll tell ya though, if I didn’ know any better, I’d say baby brother had a real battle on his hands back there, decidin’ to ditch Officer Friendly ‘n’ strike out on our own.  Reckon he’s gotten soft since I saw him last, don’t like the idea of survivin’ without the li’l luxuries he’s become accustomed to.  I ain’t worried.  Won’t be long ‘fore I whip his ass back into shape ‘n’ then we’ll be unstoppable, just me ‘n’ him.  Can’t say it didn’ hurt none seein’ how close he is t’ them folk.  Like they mean more to him than his own family.  They’ve got him all messed up in the head, actin’ like he’s the big man, when he’s jus’ the scared li’l boy he’s always been, always lookin’ to ol’ Merle for answers.

He sure has changed some since the quarry, my bro.  Can tell jus’ by the way he holds himself, the looks he keeps shootin’ me.  Ain’t careful I’m gonna have t’ wipe that scowl off o’ his face.  S’like he thinks he’s better than me jus’ ‘cause Rick threw him a bone ‘n’ made him his second in command.  He’s got this swagger I ain’t seen before ‘n’ he ain’t as much fun as he used to be.  Bit of friendly competition ain’t never hurt no one but he won’t play along.  Jus’ wait though, ‘cause I swear I’ll have the boy back like he used to be ‘fore the day’s out.  He needs me.  He jus’ needs t’ remember that ‘n’ we can get back to how it was.  Us against the world, man.  S’gonna be a wild ride.


	8. Carl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 4, somewhere between Episodes 3 & 4 when the prison is struck down by the infection.

It isn’t fair.  I’m not a kid anymore but I’m stuck down here, in quarantine with the other children, and it sucks.  It’s dark and it smells funny and the little ones won’t stop crying, and I know Beth could use the help, I get that.  But I could be more use elsewhere.  Dad knows that.  He’s seen me shoot.  He taught me, him and Shane, back at the farm, so that I could protect myself.  I remember sitting up in the hayloft with him when he told me that one day he and Mom would be dead and I’d need to keep fighting, but how am I supposed to do that when every time I try he shuts me down, like I can’t do it?  Like I’m too young to help?

People are dying.  This virus is taking us out one at a time, and, instead of helping, I’m stuck down here.  Half of our best fighters are laid up on death row, literally, and I’m a better shot than half the people he’s got on guard, but for some reason he doesn’t think I’m up to it.  I know he probably thinks that he’s keeping me safe but there is nowhere safe anymore.  This flu thing, it just proves that.  It doesn’t matter that the walkers can’t get in and that we have enough supplies to get by.  There’s always something just waiting to take us down and I don’t wanna just sit here and wait for it.

It’s not like I haven’t saved him before.  My dad would probably be dead right now if I hadn’t taken down Shane for him.  And I shot Mom before she turned so that he wouldn’t have to.  But it’s not just him.  Judith’s down here and I wanna look out for her too.  She’s so little and she needs a big brother that can keep her safe.  I want to be that for her.

It would be different if the world hadn’t gone to hell, I’m not stupid.  Then I know I wouldn’t be allowed to carry a gun, and there’s no way he would’ve taught me how to use one.  I probably would still be a kid then, hanging out at the park with my friends and playing computer games or something.  But life doesn’t work that way anymore.  

I know this isn’t what he wanted for me, for any of us.  Everything changed for him when the people from Woodbury joined us.  They set up a council to run things and he didn’t have to be the leader anymore, and he just decided he was gonna be a farmer instead.  Hershel was teaching him and he was teaching me, and yeah, that stuff’s important, but it isn’t enough.  He can’t just bury his head in the sand and raise pigs and pretend that the apocalypse isn’t happening.  That’s how people die.

I’m sure as hell not staying down here for another minute.  I’ll patrol the halls if I have to.  I need to do something.  I need to help.  Besides, it’s not like he’s here to stop me, right?


	9. Daryl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 4, Episode 10, ‘Inmates’, after the fall of the prison.

Well, I sure as hell could o’ planned this better.  The prison’s gone.  It’s lost.  Damn Governor turned up ‘n’ blew the place all to hell.  S'crawlin’ with walkers now even if there was enough left of it to bother goin’ back to.  ‘N’ now I’m out here, nothin’ but my bow 'n’ the clothes on my back, 'n’ the only person here with me is Beth.  Din’t really think about it at the time.  Saw her standin’ there, grabbed her 'n’ ran.  Couldn’ tell where no-one else was, the smoke was that damn thick.  'N’ now it’s just me 'n’ her, out here, survivin’, 'n’ I ain’t goin’ lie: she’s drivin’ me crazy.

Ain’t like I don’t like the girl or nothin’.  She’s kinda sweet, I guess.  Somethin’ 'bout her that makes me wanna watch out for her.  S'prob'ly them big blue eyes o’ hers, makin’ her look all young, innocent.  Swear she never left that damn farm once 'fore the place got overrun.  Kid’s real sheltered, like.  Tell ya the truth, I ain’t even sure how she’s lasted this long but, hell, she’s still standin’ 'n’ ya gotta respect that.

Nah, what’s really buggin’ me is how she keeps goin’ on 'bout findin’ the others.  Like there’s anyone else still out there t’ find.  Swears she knows they’re alive, that they got out: Maggie, Glenn, Rick… But she can’t know that.  I ain’t an asshole, I know she’s just reachin’ 'cause her old man was murdered right in front of her a couple o’ days ago.  I get it.  Cut me up to see the doc go down too ‘n’ we weren’t blood or nothin’.  But I need to focus on keepin’ the two of us alive now 'n’ I can’t do that with her ramblin’ on, gettin’ herself all full o’ false hope.  S'gonna kill her when we don’t find no-one 'n’ I’m gonna have to be the one to pick up the pieces, so if she thinks I’m being cold, 'n’ yeah, I know I am, then it’s 'cause one of us has gotta be strong.  'N’ outta the two of us, that’s always gonna be me.  I gotta look out for her now.  Ain’t no one else here t’ do it.

S’pose I should give her more credit really.  She’s sittin’ over there tuckin’ into this damn snake carcass like it ain’t the most slimy, disgustin’ thing she’s ever eaten, 'n’ she ain’t whinged much 'bout the walkin’, no matter how many miles we cover.  She don’t even rile up when I snap at her, jus’ rolls them eyes 'n’ turns her nose up, like she’s thinks I’m bein’ a dick for the hell of it.  She’d prob'ly rather be out here with just about anyone else.  Still, it ain’t my job to be her fuckin’ entertainment or to sit around makin’ mindless conversation over dinner.  Nah, s'long as she’s breathin’ then I’m doin’ my part.  S'gotta be enough.

‘Cause I owe her.  Tha’s wha’s really buggin’ me.  I owe her ‘cause it’s all my fault.  S’my fault she ain’t got a home, that her pa’s dead, ‘n’ maybe her sister too.  I ain’t told her that but I reckon she prob’ly knows it.  Maybe that’s why she goes on ‘bout findin’ survivors, tryin’ to make me feel better.  Like anythin’ could do that.  ‘Cause I keep thinkin’, if only I’d kept lookin’ for him, that Governor guy.  If I’d done what ‘Chonne did, tried t’ hunt him down…  We’d o’ covered more ground between the two of us ‘n’ maybe we’d o’ found him.  Then we could’a stopped this.  We’d still have the prison ‘n’ Beth’d still have her fam’ly.  Bad enough he took mine from me, leavin’ Merle in that state, so I had t’ be the one t’ put him down.  Now I have t’ watch her go through it too.  So, I’m gon’ keep her safe, no matter how much she pushes my buttons with that smile ‘n’ the singin’ ‘n’ whatever.  It’s the least I can do.  Right now, s’all I can do.


	10. Gabriel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 5, Episode 2, ‘Strangers’.

This was a mistake, letting these people in. It seemed like a good idea at the time, or I suppose, more accurately, it seemed like I had no choice, but I’m uncomfortable with them here. They’re good people, I know that. They saved me when I was as close as I’ve ever been to meeting my maker and, God knows, I wasn’t ready for that. But they’ve been out in this world too long and it’s made them violent and bloodthirsty. Now, they patrol my church like animals, caged and wary, and I hate to think what they might do if they perceive me to be a threat. 

Their leader, Rick… he doesn’t trust me. I can see it in his eyes. They’re wild and every movement is predatory, but mostly he just looks exhausted. They’ve been through something and it weighs heavy on his shoulders. I thought perhaps I might ease his burden, offer him the opportunity to offload his problems to a man of God in order to seek retribution for the sins he’s so obviously committed, but I can’t imagine that it would be well received. In fact, I think I may well end up with a machete through my skull and I know I don’t want to go out that way. And so, I’ll just sit quietly and wait for the time to come for them to move on again. I pray that it will be soon. 

The thing is, you see, they have children, a baby and a boy. So young, so innocent, though the boy has that same feral look as his father. It was the image of him, wielding his weapon with the same ease as he might have wielded a softball bat before the world was doomed to this chaos, that made me question my calling, for the first time since I made the decision to push aside my guilt. I have spent a lifetime doing the Lord’s work, I have dedicated myself to it in every waking second, and yet I have to question, what sort of God could condemn his people, his children, to live in this way? Can this really be part of some sort of higher plan? 

It has to be. I have to believe it is or I doubt I’d have the strength to go on. just like I have to believe that these people were sent to me for a reason. Perhaps it is a challenge, designed to test my moral compass and see if I have grown as a person since that awful night. Or perhaps it is my punishment for sitting back and listening whilst the monsters outside my door tore my parishioners apart. Either way, I will not fail my Lord again. I will offer the group shelter for as long as they require it and then, perhaps, I will be allowed to live out my days here in some semblance of peace.


	11. Abraham

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 5, Episode 7, ‘Crossed’, following the revelation that Eugene doesn’t know how to save the world.

Son of a dick. It was all for nothin’.  All of it.  Endless miles on the road and kickin’ up all hell back at the church ‘bout gettin’ to DC.  DC.  DC.  Always fuckin’ DC, and about puttin’ an end to this goddamn shitstorm we’ve found ourselves in and, it turns out, there is no damn end.  This is it now, this is the world, and you better get your fuckin’ act together and come out swingin’ ‘cause otherwise you’re gonna die out here with your balls in a vice and some rottin’ motherfucker’s teeth in your neck. 

Shit, Eugene, man… He had me by the short and curlies, I ain’t gonna lie.  Talkin’ ‘bout a cure, a way to wind the damn clock back, take everythin’ back to the way it was.  I ate that shit up like a big ol’ steamin’ turd sandwich and I didn’t even think to question it.  Hell, it ain’t like I had a damn clue what the hell he was actually goin’ on about.  Sounded right enough with all the science stuff and the long words, and he sure as hell sold it with every pound o’ them yellow-bellied guts of his.  Coward.  He’s just a damn coward lookin’ for some free muscle to watch out for him ‘cause guys like him, they don’t survive in this world.  Nobody survives in this world. 

Reckon maybe it’s my fault.  Maybe I was a little too easy to convince.  Maybe I was lookin’ for a purpose, a reason to keep goin’ after…  And maybe Eugene, he took advantage o’ that.  God, that churns in my belly but who can blame him, right?  We are in a rock and a hard place situation here where we either die bloody or live hard, and trust me when I say it is hard living.  S’hard enough for a big asshole like me.  I was built for this world ‘n’ no mistake.  But a guy like him…  I’m amazed he lasted as long as he did. 

So, now, I just gotta decide where the hell I go from here.  Carry on to DC knowin’ there’s not a hope in hell of puttin’ any o’ this right and without a damn clue as to what we might actually find when we get there.  Or turn back, tag on to Rick and his group and…  And what?  Well, ain’t that just the million dollar question.

Don’t get me wrong, they seem like solid folks and that sheriff – damn, he’s gotta have a sack o’ steel to have kept ‘em all goin’ this long.  But they don’t got a damn clue what comes next any more than I have.   Maybe that’s what fuckin’ scares me.  Yeah, I ain’t afraid to admit I’m scared.  Be damn stupid not to be these days.  Not havin’ a mission.  Not havin’ a destination.  ‘Cause it don’t matter what pretty bit you got warmin’ your piece at night, and what folks you got watchin’ your behind out on the road.  If you don’t got a purpose, what’s the point of any of it?  Might as well lie down and die right here ‘cause the end of the world… It makes my damn ass itch.


	12. Glenn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 5, Episode 10, ‘Them’, after Beth’s death.

I’m worried about Maggie.  I mean, I’m always worried about Maggie, but this time I’m really worried.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her like this before.  She won’t eat, barely drinks, won’t give me anything but one-word answers when I ask if she’s okay.  It’s like she’s completely shut down.  Given up. 

The last time she pushed me away, it was after the Governor…  Well, after he did what he did.  He took away her control, her dignity, and it took time, but she came back from it.  She came back to me.  But now she’s lost everything.  Losing Hershel, it was hard, and I know she must have been on the brink of breaking down, but she held it together, because she had to find her way back to me, back to Beth.  But now she’s lost her sister too…   

I don’t know.  I don’t know how to help her.  I love her, I do, I know that, but this is still new in the grand scheme of things, and I don’t know how to be enough for her to want to live for.  Am I enough?  Can I give her what she needs? 

She calls herself by my name now, y’know?  Maggie Rhee.  We’re married.  Or whatever the apocalypse version of married is anyway.  Me.  Married.  I have a wife.  I still wake up sometimes thinking that none of this will have turned out to be real.  I mean, before the world went to hell, I’d barely even had a serious girlfriend.  C’mon, man.  I was earning minimum wage delivering pizzas, and I didn’t exactly have a roaring social life or anything.  And then I lost everything.  Literally everything.  But I found her. 

I still remember when Hershel gave me his watch.  He handed it to me and told me I was worthy of his daughter.  I don’t think I’ve ever been worthy of anything before, but I knew he knew I’d do anything for his girl.  I mean, I’d die for Maggie.  I would.  I try my hardest not to let anything hurt her but… I can’t stop the world from hurting her heart.   

I know she’ll be okay.  Or, I hope she will.  She just needs time, maybe space.  She needs what we all need – rest, security, just one day where we don’t have to fight.  I wish I could give her that.  I wish I could make her happy again.


	13. Aaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 5, Episode 11, ‘The Distance’, as he tries to convince the group to take a chance on Alexandria.

Okay, so I’m tied up. I mean, I probably should’ve known it was gonna go down this way. I’ve been tailing this group for a while and they’re… different to anyone I’ve ever invited in before. Different in a good way. They’re smart, strong. They’ve been out on the road for a while now is my guess, and they’ve done everything that goes along with that. They’ve had to fight to still be here, to still be alive, and that makes them exactly what Alexandria needs, but… 

Well, I know Deanna won’t like it. She’s put a lot of time and energy into maintaining as normal a life as possible for the people she’s taken in, and these guys, they fly in the face of all of that. The safe zone is basically the perfect suburban neighbourhood, just with higher fences and a more limited diet than some people might prefer. Seriously, one of the ladies that lives down the street from me, every time I come out here she asks me to bring her back a pasta maker. Like I’m just popping to the mall and I can swing by the homewares store and pick one up on my way through. Half of the people inside haven’t seen the outside world since right back at the beginning and they have no clue what it’s like, how bad things have gotten. 

So, bringing in this group, dirty and bloody and wild… It’s gonna shake things up, that’s for sure. But the truth is, we need them. We’ve been sheltered so far, but more and more I see the corpses out here merging into herds, and one of these days one of those herds is gonna find its way to our gates, you can count on it. And all of those people inside are gonna die. They don’t know how to fight. They have no idea how to protect themselves. Alexandria needs soldiers and I’ve just found a dozen of them, maybe more. 

I can’t afford to mess this up, but I think I might’ve thrown this at them a little too fast. They don’t trust me. I get that. But I’d counted on the pull of a safe place, somewhere they could build a home together, to overtake their suspicion, especially considering that they have a baby with them. So many times I heard her crying as I watched them from the bushes and I know that poor kid must be hungry. I thought the offer of a better life for her might make them more likely to come with me. In fact, it probably just makes them more resilient. They can’t take risks when they’ve got such a young life to protect. 

They’ll come around. This isn’t my first rodeo and I haven’t told them anything but the truth. They’ll realise that eventually. Until then, I’ll just sit here, chipping away at that tough outer shell, a little bit at a time. Alexandria needs them, but I think they might need Alexandria just as badly.


	14. Michonne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 5, Episode 12, ‘Remember’.

I like it here.  This place, it’s more than any of us could have dreamed of.  How long were we out there on the road?  Too long.  You spend too many miles, dragging your feet, hungry, thirsty, exhausted and afraid, and it does things to you.  It changes you.  You become hard, and you become cold.  You have to.  It’s the only way to survive out there.  But in here…   

Rick doesn’t trust them, these people, with their neat front lawns and their drinks parties.  He thinks they’re delusional, living in a fantasy land where the world didn’t end, and maybe he’s right.  They’re the opposite extreme to what we’ve become and that scares him, because he doesn’t want us to become that soft and that vulnerable. But I don’t think we will.  I think it’s possible to stay here and to not forget what it’s like to be out there.  I think it’s possible to be here and still remember how to fight.  And I think we need this.  

We’ve lost too much, all of us.  Sasha and Maggie… They lost the only family they had left, the blood relatives that they were clinging on to, and they lost them bloody.  And you can see it in the haunted look in their eyes.  Daryl hasn’t been the same since Beth either, and Rick… Well, I’m certain now that there’s nothing he won’t do to keep his family safe, but he’s losing himself in the process.   

And of course, there are the kids.  Judith, she’s just a baby.  She could have a childhood here.  Friends, toys, the freedom to run and play.  She’d be able to cry without putting the lives of every single one of us in danger.  There is no way that this isn’t the best place for that little girl.  And Carl.  God, I love the bones of that boy.  He has such a big heart despite the world he’s been forced to grow up in.  But he’s become just as hard, just as cynical as the rest of us.  I try to keep things fun, to remind him that he’s still just a kid, playing with him like I might’ve played with Andre if he was still here.  But there’s only so much I can do.   

We need a break.  We all do.  We need a chance to rest up, lick our wounds and gather our strength.  I’d like to think we can stay here, make it work, but, if not, if Rick decides it’s not safe, then at least we’ll be going out refreshed, recharged.  We might just survive a little while longer that way. 


	15. Morgan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in the aftermath of Season 6, Episode 2, ‘JSS’, after the Wolves’ attack on the Safe Zone.

They don’t get it.  I should’ve known they wouldn’t.  They’ve seen too much, been fighting for too long.  There’s been too much killing and too much death and it changes a person.  But that don’t mean they can’t change back.  I believe that.  I have to believe that or what does it mean for me?  I’ve done terrible things, just terrible.  When I lost Duane…  Well, that’s when I realised it.  I can’t die.  Everyone around me dies, but I don’t. **  
**

I’ve been where they are now.  Afraid.  Full of guilt, so much guilt it eats you up inside and you can’t sleep at night, wondering how come they’re gone and you’re still here.  Damn near drove me insane.  Tried to redeem myself, to make it right.  Cleared out every walker in King County but I didn’t know when to stop.  I couldn’t stop.  Because people, actual living people, all I could see them as was people who were gonna die, and when they die, they rise up and they become those things.  So I put them down.  I put them all down.  But I can’t anymore.

And now, well, I guess I’m still working for redemption.  All those souls I killed, I figure, maybe I can make it right if I just stop.  Stop killing.  Stop others from killing.  And maybe it’s all worth it if I show them that they don’t have to do that, that they can change too.  These people, Wolves they can themselves, they came in here and they cut our people down in their homes and in the streets, but that don’t mean they’re bad people.  It just means they’re lost, like I was.  And given half a chance, maybe I can make them see.  

Carol don’t like it.  She’s like me, full of guilt for all the people that didn’t make it when she did, and so damn set on keeping everybody else safe that she can’t see that she’s going about it the wrong way.  If she knew…  She can’t know.  She can’t know about the boy I’ve got tied up down there.  She’ll tell me I’m putting everybody here at risk and maybe she’s right.  Right now all he knows is that he wants to murder every single one of us, but give me time.  I can talk him round, I know I can.  Just like somebody did for me, once upon a time.  

This isn’t some fool attempt at fulfilling Eastman’s legacy.  It’s not.  He’s gone.  It was my fault.  He died.  I didn’t die because I don’t die.  And I went out there, like he said, and I found people.  And I will fight to protect those people.  I’ll fight to my last breath, if it was possible that I might actually have one of those, but I won’t kill.  Not anymore.  I’m done with that.  I can change that man down there, I can.  I’ll show them I can do it.  I’ll make them see.


	16. Maggie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 9, ‘No Way Out’.

They kept telling me he must be dead.  Glenn.  He never made it back from the run, the one to direct all the walkers away from Alexandria.  And they kept telling me that must mean he’d gotten killed out there.  Why else wouldn’t he come back, right?  Of course, he’d come back if he could.  To me and to… to our baby.  Nobody else knew then.  It wasn’t like it was something we hadn’t talked about, and it seemed as good a time as any to try.  I mean, we’ve got fences here, homes, they even run classes for the kids a few times a week.  It’s the most settled we’ve been in God knows how long so if there was gonna be a right time, this was it.  Or that’s what we thought anyway.

I guess, after a while I started to believe it too, that he wasn’t coming back, that maybe he’d gotten hurt out there or bit.  Thought about going out to find him, once or twice.  Even roped Aaron in to help me, but we had too close a call before we even got outside of the fences and that’s when I realised that it wasn’t just my life I was putting on the line anymore.  And that changes everything.  Because if he was gone, really gone, then I had a duty to protect his child, the one part of him I might have had left.  So, after that, all I could do was sit and wait.

It was the balloons that did it.  Those damn green balloons floating up into the sky.  It was a sign.  I knew it as soon as I saw them, that it was Glenn out there, letting me know he was okay.  Course, it wasn’t like he could just stroll back in, not with the whole place surrounded by walkers, but he was close.  I could feel it.  And then the tower collapsed and the fences came down and… I’m not gonna lie, I thought that was it for me.

There were so many of them.  And they just kept coming.  We weren’t ready.  I had my rifle but there were damn near no bullets left in it.  And once I was out, all I could do was run.  And I just kept thinking, this isn’t fair, y’know?  I’ve spent so long thinking my husband was dead, and now I know he’s alive, and that I don’t have to have this baby on my own, and now… Now it might be him burying us.

I should’ve known really.  I mean, that’s Glenn, isn’t it?  Long as he’s still breathing, he’ll find a way to save me, to save us, his family.  He was gonna sacrifice himself for me and, God, I could’ve killed him for that, but I loved him for it all the same.

Still, I’m glad it didn’t come to that.  I still have my family together, my husband and this baby.  And I know that it’s all gonna be okay.  I have faith in that.  Because Glenn will make sure of it.  He saved me, it’s what he does, right?  We save each other.  And we’re gonna rebuild the fences and we’re gonna raise this child to be strong and brave, just like their daddy is.  It’s all gonna be okay.


	17. Jesus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 6, Episode 11, ‘Knots Untie’.

This could be really good for us.  Alexandria has all the things we need, and they’re short of everything that we’re able to provide.  A simple trade, that’s all that’s needed.  Medicine and ammo for food and crops.  It’s not rocket science, it’s logic, but somehow Gregory just fails to see that.  I brought these people here on a promise that we’d come to an arrangement that suits everybody and instead they’ve been challenged and condescended at every turn.  I can feel Rick’s patience wearing thin and I can’t say I blame him.

You know, it amazes me that Gregory’s still in charge of this place.  I mean, the people here aren’t stupid.  They know what he’s like.  Arrogant and too full of his own self-importance to compromise on anything for the good of the community.  I’ve thought about it from time to time, putting some feelers out, seeing if I can get something going to overthrow him.  Not a revolution, or anything violent, just… something.  Because we can’t go on like this.  The Saviors are walking all over us and Gregory just lets them because his ego lets him believe that they see him as an equal.  But they’re killing us here, and they’ll keep taking more and more until they cripple us completely.

You know what stops me?  I don’t know who else would step up and lead.  There isn’t anybody.  Nobody that would want the job, at least.  I know the people here respect me, that my name would come up if it was ever to happen, but I don’t want that.  It’s not what I do.  I scout.  I come and I go.  I don’t stay.  I don’t lead.  It’s not like I’m close to these people.  I do the best I can for them and for the community, but I don’t let them in.  I don’t need or want that responsibility.

I don’t know.  I don’t know why it’s bothering me more today than at any other time.  There’s just something about this new group, about Alexandria.  They have so many strong leaders amongst their numbers, people who know what they’re doing, how to survive in this world.  And I wonder if the Saviors would be able to keep them down like they do us.  I can’t see it.  I can’t see Rick Grimes answering to anybody, and I certainly can’t see him kneeling for them.  Whereas Gregory drops willingly to the floor whenever Simon walks through the door and, so long as he gets his ego boosted before they leave, he’s happy to let things continue as they are.  

So, perhaps Alexandria will be our salvation.  One thing’s for sure, we need all the help we can get.  The people of Hilltop deserve better.  But me?  I’m not it.


	18. Negan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 6, Episode 16, ‘Last Day On Earth’, during the confrontation in the clearing.

And there I was thinking it was gonna be a boring fucking day.  Crunch some numbers, give my girl here a gentle polish, decide which one of my wives was gonna have the pleasure of entertaining me this evening, y’know, usual shit.  Not that that shit’s not fun, I mean, c’mon… Look at Lucille.  She’s fucking beautiful.  But it doesn’t compare to this.  This… this really tickles my balls.  Just looking at their scared little faces, the panic in their eyes.  They’re terrified and there’s not a goddamn thing they can do to save themselves, and it’s just a real masterpiece, is what it is.

To be honest with you, I kinda thought it would be more difficult.  From what I heard about this group, I thought they’d be smart enough to get around our little road blocks, give us a little bit of the thrill of the chase, if you know what I mean.  And yet here they are, already.  Can’t help but be disappointed.  Seriously, they’re the idiots that took out my guys at the outpost?  It’s fucking embarrassing!  Doesn’t mean I’m gonna take pity on them, weak little shits that they are, hell no!  I’m still gonna make ‘em pay!  But it takes a little bit of the fun out of it, right?  Like treading on a mouse that’s already walked right into the trap.  Still, I’m not gonna let that ruin my night.

See, what’s really got me buzzing is the look on that guy’s face.  Rick.  The fucking prick that led his people right to me.  He’s eyeballing me like I’m the damn bad guy when he’s the one that attacked my Saviors while they were sleeping.  And I can tell what he’s thinking.  I mean, I can literally hear the asshole’s thoughts.  Must be fucking psychic or something.  Y’know what I can hear?  He thinks he’s gonna get out of this.  He thinks he’s actually gonna kill me.  Well, he is in for one rude awakening ‘cause I am the fucking king of the new world order and these people here, they’re too damn pathetic to stand a fucking chance of taking me down.  

I kinda like the kid though, I gotta admit.  Can tell just by looking at him that’s he’s got balls.  You don’t see many kids around these days.  Guess he’s the future of this brave new world we’re building.  Wouldn’t mind having me a boy like that, someone that can learn the game at my side, carry on my legacy when I die a natural death at a very old age with my wives around me and Lucille at my side.  I mean, he’s tough as fucking nails, staring me down, just like his daddy.  Shit, he’s gonna grow up to be a serial killer or something, I swear.  But hey, if he’s on my side that’s nothing but a goddamn asset!

Anyway,  enough of this.  Even I’m sick of my own damn voice at this point and my girl here’s getting thirsty.  It’s time to lay down the fucking law, make these fools see the error of their ways.  But which one to pick, huh?  Which one do you think, baby?  Those shiny barbs of yours just itching to grind one of these losers into the dirt?  No preference?  Well, alright then.  Guess we’ll have to choose another way.


	19. Enid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 7, Episode 5, ‘Go Getters’, as she and Carl journey to the Hilltop.

I like Carl.  I do.  He’s sweet and he makes me laugh, even when everything seems to be going to hell.  Sometimes, when I wake up and I can hear the sound of my parents screaming as the walkers tear them apart, I picture his face - kind eyes, or eye, I guess, cute smile - and it makes me feel better.  I like to hold his hand, and I like to do dumb stuff with him, just walking through the woods or talking about what things were like, y’know, before.  Is it stupid to have a crush in the apocalypse?  Maybe.  You know what might be even stupider?  I think… I think I might actually be falling in love with him.  Crazy, right?  

I’m not sure if he feels the same or not.  I mean, yeah, he almost kissed me that one time and he seeks me out to hang out and stuff, but I’m pretty much the only girl around that’s his kinda age, so maybe it’s more just that he wants a girlfriend than that he wants me.  But before him, I used to hang out with Ron all the time and I felt nothing.  Or I felt broken.  So, maybe I just feel better now because I’ve had time.  But I don’t think so. I think it’s him.  

Which is why I know this is gonna suck.  We’re on our way to Hilltop.  I tried to sneak out without telling him, partly because I knew he’d try to stop me, and partly because… I guess, I just didn’t want to say goodbye.  And now he’s walking with me, at my side, and I can’t think of anything else to say.  He hasn’t said anything, but I know he’s not gonna stay with me.  I know that this is just putting off the goodbye.  He’s planning something, I can see it in his eyes.  I’m not stupid. I know him now.  This isn’t just about looking out for me.  That’s not why he’s out here.  There’s more to it, but I just don’t know what it is yet.  All I know is that it’ll really, really suck.

What sucks the most is that I know, whatever it is he’s going to do, I could go with him.  I could help, watch his back.  Yeah, I mean, he’d hate it, but that wouldn’t stop me.  But the whole reason I’m even making this journey to Hilltop is for Maggie.  I haven’t seen her since… Well, not since she collapsed in the kitchen, not since Glenn… And I’m worried about her.  She feels like family.  She was nice to me when nobody else really cared, and I feel like I owe her for that.  She shouldn’t be alone right now and I need to know that she’s okay.

Maybe I’ve got it wrong.  Maybe Carl will come inside to see her and decide to stay.  I mean, it’s nice there.  Peaceful.  So, maybe he’ll decide that it’s for the best.  Yeah, I know.  It won’t happen.  I guess, I’ll just have to do what I always do, right?  Just survive somehow.


	20. Ezekiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 7, Episode 9, ‘Rock In The Road’.

The King will not be drawn into this war.  No, he will not.  It is a worthy one, of that I am sure, but that does not mean that I shall allow Jesus and this Rick Grimes to talk me into becoming a part of it, to guilt me into a decision that I do not wish to make.  I can’t.  I cannot do that to these people.  My people.  I cannot bring that upon my Kingdom.

The community here, their lives are based upon a fantasy and that fantasy does not involve conflict and rebellion and bloody, gruesome death.  It is a fairytale and I will do whatever I have to to keep it that way.  These people made me who I am today, raised me from a humble zookeeper to a monarch fit to rule and I will not let their faith have been so blindly misplaced.  This decision is not based on cowardice but the resolve that my people shall not know pain or suffering where I can prevent it.  That is my word and I will stand by it.

I am no fool.  I know that the message our visitors bring is true.  I know that the day will come that the Saviors’ increase their demands and put unbearable strain on us all.  And when that time comes, I’ll no longer be able to keep our arrangement a secret from my subjects.  But until that breakdown of relations occurs, how can I justify leading these brave souls into a battle from which I know at least some may not return.  When Shiva cowered in the corner of her enclosure, terrified and in agonising pain, I swore that I would never want to witness any living being in such a state again, and to march them into a war would fly directly in the face of that promise to myself.  We have built something truly remarkable here, a haven from the horrors that roam outside our fences, and I cannot sully it by allowing those horrors to step inside our gates or by forcing my people out to face them.  I won’t.

Or… maybe, just maybe, I am a fool.  No fool like an old fool, isn’t that what they say?  Been doing this act so long now that half the time I can’t tell which parts are actually me and which are just affectations, little details I cooked up to make the King a man worth following.  But I’m no King.  Not really.  I’m just a man, and yeah, maybe I am scared.  I don’t want any of these people to die.  They’re good, solid people, and I don’t want any part in that.  So, Alexandria and the Hilltop, they can go off and play their little war games if that’s what they gotta do, but it isn’t for me, hell no.  I won’t do it.  The King will stand firm.  And so will I. There’s nothing wrong with wanting things to stay the way they are.


	21. Eugene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set around the time of Season 7, Episode 11, ‘Hostiles and Calamities’.

The key to the survival of the human race is adaptability.  Now, while I may not be able to take down walkers with any sort of efficiency, and while I lack the coordination to hunt or to fight, and I’m really of no use whatsoever in any task requiring higher levels of physical prowess, adapting is something I can do.  I’ve been doing it my whole life in some way, shape or form, almost like a chameleon if you will, changing my colours to blend into the background and avoid detection by those scarier and likely far more capable than myself.  It’s saved me from many a beat-down and I hope will continue to do so for as long as my worthless hide continues to reside on this plane of existence.

Now, I will admit, ending up at the Sanctuary was not a part of my plan.  In fact it’s an A-grade spanner in the works, that cannot be denied.  But so far my stay here has been far more comfortable than I might’ve expected and I aim to keep it that way.  I don’t doubt for a second that, should I not prove my value as soon as, things will become less pleasant for me remarkably rapidly, and I know that Negan likely already has a use for me, something beyond providing his men with bullets, much as I did Rosita, only for her to take a shot and miss and land me in this unenviable situation.

I’ve got smarts.  The boss knows that.  I believe he intends for me to use them for the betterment of this here compound, and I also believe that to tell him to stick that request where the sun doesn’t shine will only be met by the introduction of my skull to that baseball bat of his, and I wish to delay that meeting for as long as possible.  I may be a coward, I’ve never denied such a claim and would be hard-pressed to find any sort of evidence to do so, and I fear death as much as any other reasonable and educated human, I’m sure.  So, when he comes knocking, I’m already pretty damn clear on what I’m gonna say.

It doesn’t feel good switching sides mid-battle.  In fact, it feels like the worst sort of betrayal a man could be capable of, but it’s not like Rick has a hope in hell of getting me out of here, so I have to do what I have to do.  And that means helping Negan.  I am Negan.  And I’ll do whatever it takes to survive.


	22. Sasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 7, Episode 16, ‘The First Day of the Rest of Your Life’, while she’s in the coffin.

When the world ended and I didn’t die, I used to wonder how exactly I’d go out. I wondered again when I lost Bob.  And again when I lost Ty.  And when I lost Abraham, I swore that I wouldn’t die the way he did.  On my knees.   Bloody.  Helpless.  He was a soldier and he wanted to go out fighting, and that’s what I want too.  And I will.  I’ve taken control of my own fate now and if I don’t take Negan down with me, at least I’ll have given it a hell of a shot.

I thought I might regret it once I’d swallowed the pills.  I thought I’d panic, shut away in this damn box, but the music helps.  It stops my mind from dwelling too much on what comes after.  I mean, that’s the scary bit, right?  And, of course, I have regrets.  There are so many things that I thought I’d be here to see that I’ll miss now: Maggie getting big and round and the little life that she’s baking in there; Judith growing up; seeing what the communities will become, because I know that they’re building something great.  Which is why it’s so important that I do this.

I wonder if they’ll be waiting for me, my brother and big red.  I wonder if death will give me the opportunity to make up for lost time.  It never sat right with me, stealing another girl’s guy, and I know why Rosita was the way she was with me, right up until the end.  I’d have been the same way if I was her.  But one thing I’ve learnt through all of this is that, happiness?  It don’t come knocking too often these days.  So, when it does, you have to throw that door wide open and welcome it with open arms.  And Abraham made me happy.  We could have had something good.  Really good.  And Negan stole that from me.

Man, I hope this works.  I hope when he opens this coffin I manage to sink my teeth into his flesh before he can speak one word, save everyone the trouble of listening to his arrogant, self-centred tirade.  That asshole just loves the sound of his own voice.  Well, I’ll never have to hear it again.  Won’t have to see that smug smile on his face, or watch him kill anybody else I love.  One day, Rick will have the strength to pull his people out of this, I know it.  Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but he will.  I’ve seen him do incredible things, and maybe this, what I’m doing here, will give him that urge to stand up and fight.  Maybe this will be a beginning as well as an end.

It’s getting cold now.  My eyes are tired and the song… Is it just me or is it getting quieter?  I guess that means it’s time, right?  My time.  Time to go.  I’m going out fighting.  This is how I wanted it.


	23. Dwight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set around the time of Season 8, Episode 7, ‘Time For After’.

I don’t like this, man.  I mean, I’m feeling seriously shifty right now.  This all seemed like a good idea at the time, the whole double agent thing, but now that Negan knows that Rick has someone on the inside, the fun’s definitely gone out of it.  Sitting round that table earlier, I honestly thought I was gonna hurl.  I could feel it, churning in my gut, all the lies.  Hell, he burned half my face off for even daring to try to get away from this place.  What’s he gonna do to me if he finds out that I’m the one working to bring him down?

It’s not like the guy doesn’t deserve it.  I have no guilt where he’s concerned, trust me.  He took the only thing I loved from me, my Sherry, and he rubbed her in my face every chance he got it, kissing her and putting his hands all over her.  It’s a wonder I kept my cool as long as I did.  It’s only ‘cause I knew why she did it, for me, so he wouldn’t beat my skull into the ground for running away.  She chose that life for me, so I couldn’t go and make things difficult.  I owe her more than that.  But still, it was hard.  You don’t know how hard unless you’ve been there yourself.  And now she’s gone.  

I know it was her that helped Daryl, got him the hell out of here, and I feel like that was a message.  I feel like that was her way of telling me it was time to play dirty, to do whatever I had to do to break away.  I know she thought I wasn’t strong enough to go against Negan but I am now.  I’m doing it for her.  It kills me that I didn’t make it back to the house in time to find her.  All I keep thinking is just how different things would be if I had.  We could’ve started over, somewhere new, somewhere else, just me and her.  Like the old days.  

One day, I’ll find her again.  I know it.  I can feel it in my bones.  But when that happens I have to be able to look her in the eye and tell her I tried.  I need her to know that I’m still the man she married, the man she loved.  That’s why I’m doing this.  It’s not gonna be easy though, not now Negan’s got his nose to the ground, hunting the snake that brought Rick and the widow to his gate.  I won’t be the first one he looks to, but I sure as hell won’t be the last either, not with my track record.  If I’m gonna keep doing this, I need to find someone else to take the heat, play on Negan’s suspicions, keep him off my scent for as long as possible.

Guess it’s a good thing we’ve got one of Alexandria’s very own sitting round our table, huh?  I mean, I didn’t think of it before, but it’s actually kinda perfect.  Eugene.  Sure, he’s been playing nice up ‘til now, doing whatever he has to to save his own ass and make his life easier, but that doesn’t mean his old loyalties have completely disappeared, right?  Wouldn’t take much to make the boss think it was the crazy scientist that was going behind his back.  A whisper here, a pointed look there…  I can do it.  I can point the finger at him without saying a word.  I only need to buy a little more time.  I can do this.


	24. Jadis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 8, Episode 10, ‘The Lost and the Plunderers’, after Simon massacres her people.

I am haunted.  Ghosts wander this place now and I can feel them watching me, blaming me.  My only friends, the family I made for myself.  They’re gone, but I can still feel them here.  

I don’t sleep.  Can’t.  I’m so tired, every part of me, tired and drained.  But every time I close my eyes, I’m back in that moment.  Trapped.  Doomed to relive it over and over.  I can hear the screams.  I can smell the blood in the air and feel it on my fingers.  It’s sticky and warm.  

Negan did this.  Not himself, no, he wouldn’t dirty his hands that way, but through his guard dog.  He sent him here with his soldiers.  Animals, all of them.  In this world we choose who we want to be and they want to be murderers.  We kill.  We have killed.  We do it to survive and to take what is rightfully ours.  But this?  Meaningless.  All so meaningless.  There was no need for this.  No need for all the death.  But they killed them anyway.  All of them.  Nothing left.  Just me here now.

They were dead.  My people.  Dead on the floor.  And then they weren’t anymore.  Dead.  Or undead.  Walking dead, everywhere.  Coming for me.  Hunting me.  The sound of my breathing too loud when there’s no other sound for miles around.  Faces I knew, faces I saw every day, contorted, ravenous snapping jaws and hands, reaching, reaching, reaching for me.

I had no choice.  No choice.  Had to do something, to take back my home from the corpses.  My friends, the corpses.  They used to be my friends.  Had to cut them down, chop them up, mince them into bloody, red slop that smells of death and grief.  The stench churns my stomach.  I hate it.  Hate it.  Can’t look anymore.

What happened here can’t be forgotten.  I won’t let it.  I can’t.  Vengeance must be won, somehow.  A whole world destroyed deserves a life, at least, maybe more.  Maybe less, Negan would say, I’m sure of it.  But a life for two dozen, three dozen, more?  Barely justice.  Acceptable but barely so.

Jadis is gone now.  I think that she’s gone.  This character I created.  Living art, and performance, and something new and beautiful.  She was gunned down with her love and now I have an empty canvas yet again.  Something new or something old?  Something borrowed?  I am certainly blue.  Old traditions, old ways.  Old maybe?  Anne.  Maybe I’ll be Anne again.

Anne was boring and plain and she spoke in the language she’d been taught when she was a child, but maybe it is safer to blend in in this world.  Maybe that’s where we went so wrong.  We tried to be too different and they came for us.  So, now I’ll be the same.  I’ll wear their boring clothes and speak their boring language and I’ll pretend that life is not a stage, but a simple journey from A to B, with no space for creativity or inspiration.  I’ll do what I have to do until they finally come for me, the people with the power, the people that hold empty promises over my head as they buzz around in their flying machines, and then maybe I’ll start all over again, again.  Maybe.


	25. Simon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 8, Episode 15, ‘Worth’.

So, this is it.  This is what it all comes down to, my big moment!  I mean, it’s practically medieval, but hell, can’t say it hasn’t got my juices flowing.  A fight to the death?  There’s something… poetic about that, isn’t there?  And it’ll sure make my job easier when the people here see that I’ve earned my place at the top.  Cuts out a whole lot of busy work trying to win them over that I sure as hell don’t have time for.  We’ve got a war to fight and, right now, we’re losing.  I won’t let that happen.

See, what Negan doesn’t get is, sure, people are a resource.  I understand that.  Hell, I’d even go so far as to say I agree with it.  You know what else is a resource?  Food.  Course it is.  We need it to feed our bodies, keep them strong and resilient.  Just like we need people to keep the new world strong and resilient.  But food rots.  It goes mouldy and putrid, and if I eat that, all I’m doing is poisoning myself.  And the same goes for people.  Some of them are just plain poisonous and there’s nothing we can do to rectify that.  So, what do we do?  We throw the rotten shit out and we start again, plant new crops and wait for the harvest.

But no.  The boss, he’s just so damn set on getting Rick to submit to him that he’s lost sight of what it’s all about.  And I tried to remind him.  I tried to show him just how easily we could solve this little problem, just like I solved the issue of the Scavengers, and what did he do?  Busted my damn balls, that’s what.  Hell, I’ll be walking like John Wayne for the rest of the week.  ‘Are we backsliding, Simon?’  Fuck yes, sir, we’re backsliding, if it means weeding out the problem at the root and starting again in fresh soil.

Ah hell, no point going over and over it now.  By nightfall I’ll be running this show, and I’ll finally be able to put our people first and stamp on this little rebellion before it drags down everything we’ve built.  The King, the widow and Rick… They’ll be dead before dawn and I’ll take their little communities down with them.  There’ll be no one left to come after us for revenge, I’ll make sure of that.  Sounds bloody, sure, but it’s necessary.

Being the leader of a compound like this one, it takes a hard heart sometimes.  It means making tough decisions and standing by them when it matters.  If Negan can’t do that, and he’s proved time and time again that he can’t, then I will.  So, bring it on.  I’m ready.  Let’s fight!


	26. Rick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 8, Episode 16, ‘Wrath’.

Carl was right.  What he wrote in his letter, what he kept trying to tell me…  He was right about all of it, but I just… I couldn’t see it ‘til now.  I didn’t want to.  I was so caught up in taking Negan down, in getting revenge for Glenn and for Abraham and Sasha and Denise and Olivia, that I couldn’t see past that moment, that moment when I finally got him on his knees, until I was in it.  And then it all made sense.  There has to be something left.  Of us, of our humanity.  When the war’s over, which it is now, we have to have something to fall back on.

The world’s changed again.  Out there on the road, I had to be a monster.  I had to kill to keep my family and my people alive.  And that changes a person, it does.  Can’t fight it.  It just happens.  And then, when Alexandria took us in, there was always another enemy lurking in the shadows: the walkers, the Wolves, and then the Saviors.  But we found something out there besides the threat.  We found people.  More people that I ever would have imagined.  Good people that are working to build something like we are.  And that gave us allies, it gave us opportunities for trade and to make a new world order that suits all of us.  And I guess that’s what Carl could see that I couldn’t.  Because that new world order, it has to be about peace.  We can’t start it with an execution.  There has to be something left.

It would’ve been easy to push that instinct down.  Negan was bleeding to death right in front of me and I wanted him to die.  I wanted him gone.  But this is the right thing, I know it.  The others, they can’t see it yet, but they will.  Right now, it’s too raw, too fresh.  He took so much from all of us, especially Maggie and Daryl, and he’ll pay for it.  He’ll spend the rest of his miserable life locked away in the dark, with nothing but his thoughts for company, and sooner or later that guilt’s gonna start to eat away at him.

That’s not the only reason.  If we’re being practical, it doesn’t do us any good to make Negan a martyr.  We’re trying to include the Sanctuary in what we’re doing here and we need the Saviors on board if that’s gonna work.  If we kill Negan, they’ll rebel and we’ll have to take them out, and I don’t want to start this new beginning with a massacre.  If we keep him alive, we build trust and that… That’s a foundation I can work with.

My son was a good man.  I want to see the world he pictured, I do, and I won’t stop until I make it a reality for my daughter.  I want her to live a peaceful life and that starts here.  We are rebuilding civilisation and we’ve got a long road ahead, but, if we pull together, I know we can do it.  We can do anything.  I have to believe that.  There has to be something left.


	27. Rosita

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Season 9, Episode 2, ‘The Bridge’.

I can’t believe I have to do this, work side by side with the bitch that tried to cut my face up.  All I can picture is her vindictive smile as she held that knife against my skin and I just… I hate everything about it, and I don’t trust her.  I don’t trust any of them.  These are the people that laughed in the clearing that night when Negan killed Abraham, and when he killed Glenn.  Eighteen months now I’ve been at the Sanctuary, working with Daryl to try to keep the place going, and I still can’t see them as anything but monsters.  The whole place is a black hole, sucking in the lowest scum of humanity, and it will sink.  There’s nothing we can do to stop it.  It’s a waste of time.

I mean, nothing even grows there.  It’s like the ground it’s built on is tainted or something.  Like nothing good was ever meant to exist inside those fences.  So, it just destroys it, takes it out at the root.  And I’m scared that that’s gonna happen to me too.  It’s making me hard, being there.  It’s making me cold, because I don’t know how else to make it through the damn day when I’m having to watch my back every second.

It’s okay for Rick.  Him and Michonne and Carol… They come and they go, and they don’t know what it’s like being too afraid to sleep, in case one of them decides they’ve had enough of playing happy families, and that maybe it’s time to take up Negan’s mantle and take us all down.  I know Daryl feels it.  I can tell.  He’s even more on edge than he usually is and that’s really saying something.  He doesn’t wanna be here.  I know it.  They all know it.  Hell, even Rick knows it, but as long as his family are together, then what the hell does he care, right?

I’m sorry.  I get it, I do.  I get what he’s trying to do here.  I still believe in Rick Grimes.  I understand what it is that he’s trying to build.  But it’s hard.  Everyday feels like an uphill battle and I’m tired.  Today, working with Arat by my side, it just reinforces exactly what I hate about this whole ‘live in peace’ thing we’re doing now.  Because yeah, I’ll do the job I need to do, I’ll keep my mouth shut and I’ll make sure shit gets done, but, honestly, when it comes down to it, all I really wanna do is gut the bitch.


	28. Judith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set shortly before the show picks up after the six-year time jump in Season 9, Episode 6, ‘Who Are You Now?’.

I want to help people.  I know that scares my mom sometimes, but I feel like it’s what I’m here to do.  She worries that letting people in will hurt our community, that they’ll try to take what we have, like before… But it doesn’t always have to be that way, does it?  She wants to close our gates and shut everyone out, except the people she knows she can trust, but how do you know if you can trust people if you don’t give them a chance?  Maybe they do bad things because they’re scared and tired, and if we take them in and give them food and shelter, they’ll turn out not to be so bad after all.

When I was younger, Mom used to tell me stories.  Not just her, Aunt Maggie too.  They told me about my dad and about my brother and all the things they did.  They sound like they were good people and I want to be just like them.  I don’t think they’d have turned away somebody that needed their help, no matter how bad that person might be.  I mean, Daddy let Negan live even after he killed Uncle Glenn, so he must have believed that there’s at least a little bit of good in everyone, right?

I think there is.  I know Negan’s a bad man.  Everyone tells me that, and I know that’s why he’s locked up down in that creepy basement.  But he still helps me with my maths homework and that means that I get the answers right, which makes Mom happy, so that makes him okay with me.  

Anything that makes Mom smile is a good thing in my book.  She doesn’t do it very often these days.  It makes me sad when she’s sad because nothing I do seems to make a difference.  She’s so serious all the time and I know she’s trying to keep us all safe, but I miss hearing her laugh.  I can still remember what it sounds like, but RJ might not ever hear it, so I try to laugh as much as possible when he’s around.  I know she still talks to Dad sometimes.  I hear her in the kitchen when she thinks I’m asleep, and I wonder whether she can hear him talking back.  I’ve tried it a couple of times but I don’t really remember his voice anymore.  I’d rather talk to people that can actually talk back, anyway.  Like Aunt Maggie.  I miss her a lot, but she and Mom don’t talk now.  Everything changed after what happened… I don’t like it.  I miss how things were.

But Aaron tells me I’m growing up quickly and I’ve got Grimes blood, so I’m gonna rule the roost in no time.  I think that means that people will listen to me, once I get big enough.  So, maybe then I’ll be able to fix things.  I’ll tell Mom and Aunt Maggie to be friends again, and I’ll send our people out to find anyone that might need help, and I’ll let them all come back here, so that everyone can be happy and safe.  That’s what Dad would have done, I’m pretty sure.  And Carl.  So, that’s what I’m gonna do too.


End file.
